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| I have a bad feeling about it
And I'm tired of trying
I wish I could stop feeling claustrophobic
I want to escape
I could sleep forever
How can I be this aimless?
I'm trapped in circles
Still.
After everything?
That's just not fair.
Everything just takes so much energy.
And I'm tired.
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| "Hello, goodbye. I'm not going to hide.
I'm on the eleventh floor, and I've got
ten more flights to climb.
So many people have attempted
to make their own demise.
Or is it to see personally,
who's going to save your life?
And now it's two o'clock in the morning,
and half the lights in the city have died.
But the other half has been left on.
I want to know, are you afraid of the dark?
Like I am? So...
So I move to New York City,
so I wouldn't be the only one left at night.
You see, if everybody's sleeping,
I feel like I need to keep an open eye.
And now it's two o'clock in the morning,
and half the lights in the city have died.
But the other half has been left on.
I want to know, are you afraid of the dark?
Like I am? So...
Now there's alcohol dripping out of my eyes.
And I feel so blessed to feel so sad,
it's making me high -- I think I can... I can...
I can fly.
Now it's 2 o'clock in the morning
and half the lights in the city have died.
But the other half has been left on,
and I wanna know, are you afraid of the dark?
Like I am? So...
Like I am?"
~Swati
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|  | Currently Listening
Tidal
By Fiona Apple
~hunger hurts, but starvin' works?~
see related |
Things are nice right now. Kinda frustrating simultaneously, because money is tight and so far no luck on the job front (despite scads of applications and several interviews, for those of you who may doubt my dedication to the cause), and it's been hard and kind of lonely getting used to not being part of Emory any more. Because, it definitely has changed the way some of my friendships work. But, overall, things are nice. I adore my apartment, and I'm having fun being scientifically thrifty, and cooking up this and that, and being organized in my own space. It's easy for me to feel centered here, and that helps me a lot mentally. And I can say honestly that I'm not depressed any more, even though I still have specific issues to process. But it's not depression -- when I get upset, it's actually because there really is something to be unhappy about. :) And God's given me a couple of massive unexpected blessings and answered one particular prayer rather startingly, and that's reassuring and lovely. I'm feeling extremely creative too, from doing a lot of writing lately and from a lot of craft-y projects and pilates. And that can let me feel productive even if I'm working a fairly brainless job at the moment. But hey, I'm a hella good waitress, and that's worth something... I have people skills like whoa now too. And, it's nice. Thank you God, I like right now pretty well. Protect the people I care about, because I sure can't. Give them the joy and peace of your salvation every day. And, same for me while you're at it. | | |
|  | Currently Listening
Sam's Town
By The Killers
~the drop dead dream, the chosen one, a southern drawl, a world unseen, a city wall, and a trampoline~
see related |
As of now I'm not allowed (on the recommendation of my pastor) to go abroad until I've sorted some things out, which means I can't go spend time at L'Abri in Switzerland, or teach English in Japan, or nanny in Madrid, or work in an orphanage in Mexico, for at least a year. Which is ok, because that gives me time to pay off my school loans anyway. But it leaves me with a dilemma: I probably will be stuck in some fairly mindless job for a while, just out of dearth of options, and the thought of how much time I'll have on my hands, and how much brainpower will be sitting mouldering within my skull, makes me feel a little ill. So,
I'm going to write a novel.
Sort of as an exercise, and (secretly, shh!) as an attempt to develop a driving passion. Because, as of now I don't have one, besides caring about my friends and family, and with that I'm always having to be careful not to become unhealthily dependent on them. So, this will be fun! Yay!
Note the ongoing attempt to convince myself that I like life? I'm trying hard. It's getting easier. My Dead Lady Mary Burdett promises it's worthwhile, and I told her that I'd take her word for it at least for a while. I told God, he has two years to prove it. And I really think he will, and if it looks like he's still in the process at the end of two years, I can always extend it to five to give him the benefit of the doubt... (note to God, I'd really appreciate it if you got on that though, it would be helpful if you were quicker rather than slower.)
It's ironic that my problem comes from having too many options -- this is exactly a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and it's entitled "The Life and Times of Sarah Eliza," and all the possible paths are so very different. Some of them end happily, and some of them end tragically, and all of them end with the words "Then you die" eventually, but it all hinges on what pages you turn to, and you never know which is which beforehand. Do you want to know what my real problem is? When I used to read those books, I never would commit to choosing ONE adventure, to choosing ONE of the possible paths. I always left my finger stuck in the last page I had come from, or maybe even utilized a bunch of fingers to keep track of the last three or four. That way, if I didn't like where I ended up, I could go back and undo it and try again. And, that's sorta not possible when you're stuck in time, in an unrelenting forward progression. Right now I have a lot of options, and some of them keep repeating on every page pretty much for the foreseeable future, but others I know will disappear if I chose to disregard them for another. And, some haven't popped up for certain at all yet, and I just have to sort of trust that they will eventually -- but I'm half afraid that as a child I dribbled popsicle juice on those pages so that they got stuck together, and I passed over them unknowing.
Who knows. I have to chose one at some point, I just wish they were inked out nice and clear in front of me, and that maybe I could peak forward just a tad, to see if it looks like I'll like what I chose. But then I guess, what wasn't true of those books, and what is true of life, is that, more than anything, it is what you make of it.
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| "You choose the red pill, and you stay in Wonderland. And then I show you just how far the rabbit hole goes." ~Morpheus.
The rabbit hole is one long long fall. But "Wonderland" doesn't refer to wonders, it refers to wondering. And not just any old wondering, but a helpless aimless state with no hope of ever finding answers.
It's impossible to look someone in the eye and tell them you don't want to have suffering redeemed. Unredeemed suffering is trapped hopeless suffering, and it is the only true failure and the deepest despair. To say that you want that, for yourself or for someone else, even for a single heartbeat, is either a straight-up lie, or else reflecting such deep confusion that you probably don't know which way is up at the moment.
Vertigo. These days I don't know whether I'm coming or going, or which way is North, or if I even want to go North. I do kinda still know where Jesus is. Mostly. As Anne Lamott puts it, I'm playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with Jesus, and though I'm disoriented and functionally blind, I can still stumbled blindly in the general direction I know he's in and hope for the best. Technically that's still what I'm doing right now. Actually not quite, I'm all curled up in a ball somewhere (who knows where) crying through the blindfold. And mumbling fiercely "Mary Burdett promised it was worthwhile. And her word can be trusted, because she died in the Lord. Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord. Blessed. Blessed. From now into eternity. It's worthwhile, she promised."
You want your suffering to be redeemed, and even transmuted into something else, something whole. So why keep prolonging it? Suck it up, it might be hell but you will come through it. And it will be worth it. It will.
I'll come too, as soon as I can stop debating red vs blue. Some people say you take the blue and the story ends. But sticking with red might mean to just keep falling. And that's no good either. Oh well. It's fairly true that, one way or another, all things eventually find their way to some kind of resolution. Or, if not quite resolution, at least find their way to a close.
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